n525655150_4076636_6028to me Christmas was no more than the 25th day of the 12th month or so it seemed that morning. like usual i woke up at around 9:30, washed up, and sat in front of my computer browsing through youtube or anything that caught my attention (for roughly 5 hrs give or take). at 2:30, just like last christmas, i set out to agnes’. she is an old lady up in glen rock. i was supposed to watch her until her daughter got back. my only job was to plate her dinner at 6 and make sure she didn’t fall off her chair. easy enough. well thats not my point however. while there, i started reading “the kite runner” by khaled hosseini. i had brought it along just in case i got bored watching nbc (agnes doesn’t change channels and i don’t bother either).

i read from the beginning even though i had already read the first 15 pgs way back in july on my way to delhi. with absolutely no memories of the content in those few pages i had read in the summer, it wasn’t a bad idea to start from the start. i knew it was a good book. critics had raved about it with good reviews but i had no idea how much more precious this book would turn out to be once i had finished. in the wee hours of dec. 26 (2am to be precise), i completed my reading. along with the author’s pain, i felt mine too. i had shed a few tears of my own here and there, thought about my past, parents, friends, the lies i had told, the pain i had caused the people who loved me the most , and worst of all, the aching truth about my regrets and the attempts to redeem myself, each time only causing more hurt.

baba (amir’s father) made me think about my father and never in my life had i felt so far away from him. i wanted to hug him, be by his side till the end of time and repay all the kindness and love he had shown me while holding his brown, withered hand that had worked so hard to bring me up to become a capable human. baba’s passing scared me and reminded me of the inevitable fate that lay ahead in my future. i closed my eyes and wished god would hear my prayers. hassan’s death almost cracked open my heart. i couldn’t control the tears rolling down my cheeks. when amir opened hassan’s letter and began reading it, i felt a sense of hope and saw a glimpse of happiness ahead but all that got shattered with the news of hassan’s tragic fate.

once upon a time we were all happy and once upon a time we all wished time passed and we grew. wishing is a strange thing. you get what you wished for only to yearn for something else. ultimately, amir is a good person. his tormented conscience continuously brought back memories of that dark winter night when he had witnessed the horrific incident in that narrow alley. he could not forgive himself for turning his back to what he had seen. he wasn’t a murderer but was he any less? he kept telling himself he wasn’t a worthy human and i can in someway relate to that. does bad only define those who have committed actual criminal acts? i may not have taken someone’s life but what good have i done to deserve the title of good?

all sorts of thoughts gathered in my head and i just lay in my bed thinking how in the world was i ever going to clear up this mess and become pure. i read the last pages of kite runner and was sincerely happy for amir, sohrab (hassan’s son) and their reunion but that meant i was alone and could not share my burden with amir. his life was confined in the pages of the book but mine? i realized it was time for me to draw the outline of my life and polish it as i went along and when the final draft was ready, maybe i could share it with my family.

when donna reassured her mom, agnes, that she would be back soon and closed the door behind us at 3, i was envious of her. would i ever be the good daughter i wished to be? would i ever be able to serve my parents and make them proud? would i ever be capable of being loyal and truly loving the people in my life like hassan had? would i ever be able to redeem myself like amir?

december 25th, 2008 made me think and as i wiped the last of tears, i turned off the light and went to bed, hoping i would wake up a better person.